Angel
by glitterynile
Summary: Complete - Revised - Quatre deals with his problems in his own way, what happens when his lover discovers the truth? 3x4 self-injury and depression
1. Part 1

Angel

Chapter 1

* * *

Light seeped from under the door of the small bathroom, like fog it crept covering the surrounding carpet with its pale light. The dilemma contained within the sterile environment was not uncommon. A glittering razor held between pale fingers offered the release the youth craved. 

Slashing across his fore arm, a long angry wept overlapped the faint pink scars of its brothers. Blood trickled down as a hiss cut across wet lips. The release of the pain was sweet…painfully sweet.

Blinking and calming himself the young man slashed again. The quick motion left another mark among the many. Hiding the awful affair would be harder than ever now. 

Blinking back tears, Quatre stood from his spot on the cold bath tub and journeyed to the sink. Washing the blade with cool water he watched with fascination as the blood red color paled and fated to a light pink. Thoroughly rinsed the Arabian hide the metal blade under the flower vase in the center of the counter, wiping his blue-green eyes he sniffed and then set to the task of he distastefully named "clean up". 

It was always the worst part, having to clean the wounds one inflicted on oneself. Taking out the used first aid kit Quatre sat once more on the tubs edge. Setting the kit on his legs the pale boy stared at the red cross that decorated its top. Opening the kit Quatre brought out the gaze, bandages and antibiotic cream. He set to his task. 

I hate this part - Quatre completed the task efficiently, he new if he did not the cuts would only get infected and the scars would take longer to heal and would leave more pronounced marks instead of a fated pink tense on the skin. 

Remembering back his mind took a short trip to war time. He was sitting in Sandrock awaiting new directions when the desperation hit. Rummaging though his bags he searched for his blades, but in his rush to leave the safehouse he forgot them. He began scanning the cockpit for anything he could use-nothing but… a glass bottle sat within the trash bin. Flinging himself to it he grabbed the bottle and smashed it on the gundams side walls, shards of broken glass fell. Gripping a large piece quatre scraped it across his arm parting the flesh and granting him release. 

The after affect was not so sweet… the wounds became infected and scared.   
Quatre ran his nimble fingers over the long fated scar. 

Task complete he stood and replace the kit turning off the light with a *click* of the switch he walked back into the bedroom tugging on his long sleeves- he would die before the others found out his sick secret…

just my little secret 


	2. Part 2

Angel

Chapter 2

* * *

Trowa watched the light of the bathroom flicker off. 

Listening to the steady patter of feet,   
the silhouette of his lover was outlined in the moonlight leaking though the blinds. 

As the dark figure approached the bed an angel stepped into view. The bed dipped as the other boy slid onto it. Lifting the thin sheet trowa allowed quatre to slip in. 

"little one are you alright?" trowa asked as he spooned quatre into an embrace. Not receiving a reply he asked again, "Quatre?".

"I'm fine"

he's lying trowas eyes darkened. "Baby you would tell me if anything was wrong…right?" 

"I love you" questions unanswered Trowa decided he would wait for morning.

---------------------

The smell of eggs frying woke Trowa. Getting up he dressed and headed down stairs. Upon entering the kitchen he was greeted by the pajama clad form of Quatre busy at the stove. Coming up behind the little blonde Trowa slipped his arms around the shorter boys waist. 

" bonjour mon petite"(1) Trowa rubbed his nose into the crook of Quatres neck. Causing the blond to giggle. 

"morning to you too muHibb(2)" Quatre responded while he flipped the omelet.   
I love it when Quatre is happy... so why does it feel as if he is pained...

---------------------

After finishing their breakfast the pair began the ritual of clean up.  
clean up... Allah how I hate it Quatre began by picking up the remaining plates and stepped toward the sink when a smooth voice broke though his thoughts.

"That was wonderful, here let me help" Trowa walked over and took the plates from him. "You made it, I should clean" he said with a smile and began scrubbing the dishes under soaping water. Turning his head, "go on and dress Kat" Quatre nodded and trailed off to the stairs.

just my little secret

---------------------

Quatre stood clad in only a pair of loose kakis. The upper body exposed to the cold air of the bathroom. He remained motionless staring into the reflective surface of the mirror in front of him. 

Blinking back he shook his head and unwrapped the bandages from his lower left forearm, wincing as they were removed caked with dried blood. 

  
Tossing the ruined bindings away he reached for his rose colored shirt,   
pink - blood fated... best hide the evidence

his hand caught air... wha.. where did I put it?... maybe I left it on the hamper   
"umm.." Quatre turned but was confronted with a dark forest green color.

O' Allah no 

"Quatre..." Trowa spoke with calm and gentle voice. He held up a pink shirt,   
his gaze traveled to the waste bin then back to Quatres blood drained face.  
"Show me where" trowa tossed the shirt onto the bathroom counter  
"NO!" Quatre tried to back away but Trowas quick reflexes allowed him to grab the blondes arm before he tried to flee. Quatre winced.

Trowa moved closer, " I just want to see Quatre… let me" he spoke with such concern. Quatre meekly agreed and stopped struggling. Trowa unwrapped his long fingers from pale skin exposing long angry welts.

He gently pulled quatres arm straight and traced fated pink lines and shook his head. just my little secret   
trowa released his hold, " Where else?"

  
it was just to be my little secret 

  
Quatre moved and slid his pants off he stood before his lover in only boxers.   
Trowa crouched and moved his hand down quatres left leg, nibble fingers once more traced fated pink lines on the sides of Quatres calves. It was all he could take... tears began to drip from blue eyed boys cheeks.

my dirty little secret

Trowa stood and embraced Quatre. Quatres tears were no longer silent he sobbed openly now.

  
" That's right let it out... let it all out... now with me..."

notes:

(1) good morning little one  
(2) lover in Arabic 

also if you every catch anyone with an injury problem, don't yell or scream at them, it's best to comfort them and give them space.


	3. Part 3

Angel

Chapter 3

* * *

"Shh baby" Trowa patted a tuff of golden hair resting under his chin, "It's ok shhh."Quatre wrapped his arms around his lovers neck and nuzzled into the embrace. Trowa continued rocking him with a calming rhythm even as the boys tears dried. Time held still as emotions were freed then the pair ended their hold on one another. 

"Trowa…I…" a finger was brought up and placed on pale lips. Bright blue-green eyes looked up confused. "Lets take this to the bedroom" was the only statement issued before the young Arabian was dragged out of the bathroom and toward the bed of the master bedroom.

  
Trowa sat down and slid till his back touched the intricacy carved oak headboard. Signing he spread his legs and beckoned Quatre to take his place between them. 

Nodding Quatre sat slowly at the end of the bed and placed his clasped hands in his lap. Trowa made a tsking sound, "Come on now little one, I will have none of that." He patted the spot between his legs once more and Quatre willing complied with the request. 

Snuggling the two lovers laid supporting each other for a time before the silence was broken.

"Kat" Trowa whispered softly "Why?" Quatre thought he would break into tears again. 

Why? Why Not? After all the awful things I have done don't I deserve to be punished?

"I just wanted to…to…forget…I cut because I don't know what else to do… I find myself so desperate sometimes that I have to do something otherwise I think I'll go insane." Quatre shuttered as the sharp words rolled off his tongue. " I have so much pain inside me."

I can't cry. I can't get angry, and I don't know why

"I cut, and that releases the pain in another way. Sometimes I wish I didn't do it." he spoke with uncertainly and in a shaky whispered tone. He felt trowa nod his head.

  
"Quatre what I don't understand is why you kept this from me… how were you able to keep this to yourself?" the blonde winced. 

  
long sleeves, pants, making love in the dark- it was just to be my secret

  
"Trowa, it was my secret… I did everything I could to hide it…" Trowa ran his strong forearm up and down Quatres back soothing him.  
"But Quatre why did you keep it from me?"

he's not going to give up 

Quatre ran his hand though his hair nervously, " It was just my secret" he whispered under his breath.

  
"What did you say?" trowa asked kindly missing the statement.  
"It was just my dirty little secret!" Quatre sobbed out, Trowa held him again and shushed him. 

"Baby you said that "sometimes I wish I didn't do it"… would you stop if you could?" Trowa asked the blonde, the youth in his arms nodded in response.  
"Alright, good…" Trowa pause and tightened his grip on his lover, "Angel would you mind getting help?"

Quatre looked up at trowa though thick bangs. "What do you mean help! I can handle this!" his tone was frustrated "Handling this problem on your own can be daunting baby…seeking help is probably the best form of 'self help' that can be suggested, but therapy aside, you are the only person that can ultimately help yourself." Trowa remained calm though his heart felt like glass.

With that final thought Quatre began to weep once more, Trowa was right and the truth hurt worse than anything he had ever done to himself before.   
Quatre needed help… 


	4. Part 4

Angel

Chapter 4

* * *

Trowa stared at the screen in front of him, checking over his shoulder he saw Quatres still form asleep resting on their bed. Sighing he returned to the task before him. He began to read the text:

"If you know someone who self injures, the first thing you need to do is be aware of self injury and what it actually is. Many people find the idea of self injury incredulous, and many people tend to back away from self injurers out of fear. This fear often stems from a limited knowledge of self injury as a whole."

Trowa shook his head, he was more opened minded than that. He was able to pick up the signs and subtle hints from Quatre. But what still bothered him was one, how long had Quatre been doing this and two, could he stop if he really wanted too. He scrolled down the page and continued to digest the information.

"... you must realize that on the whole, people do not injure themselves in order to get attention."

Nodding his head in agreement Trowa mused over the fact, Quatre was doing this because of something but what?

"However, self injury can be a cry for help due to intense and unbearable emotions. If someone confesses their self injury to you or you found out visa yourself, horror is the last thing you need to express. Realize that this can be difficult, as shock is bound to be an element of your natural reaction. Most self injurers are incredibly clever at concealing their actions from people, and so a confession of this sort can be a very big surprise."

Trowa thanked his stars that he reacted calmly to the situation. His initial reaction was to shout and shack quatre, yell and plead why he would do something like that. But hateful remarks would only cause Quatre to lose trust in him. Trowa clicked around the site and landed on a page containing others peoples reactions- some were not so lucky as Quatre had been.

"My friend told me that she wouldn't talk to me again unless I stopped it. She did that because she cared, but it made everything a lot worse for me"

"'When I told my closest friend about the cutting she cried. That upset me in a way but it shocked me because it showed that she really did care. She was very supportive and told me that she would help me in any way that she could. That was everything that I could have wished for. I am very grateful to her and I owe her a lot."

"My father seemed only to care about the fact the scars were there for life."

"All I wanted was a shoulder to cry on and someone to tell me they would help me. What I got was panic about my health. Everyone seemed to take it that the cutting itself was the issue, and what it was doing to my health... the scars would always be there. No one asked me why, or what I was feeling. No one seemed to care. After that the cutting got worse. All I wanted was someone to listen to me and tell me that they understood, instead of telling me that they were worried about what I was doing to myself. No one understood..."

  
Trowa gave off a choking sound at the last entry, he became determined to never let Quatre feel that way. He wanted to understand…he needed to understand.  
Clicking once more Trowa looked into "Myths"  
myths?

  
"Self Injury is NOT a series of failed suicide attempts - those who self injure do so more to 'cope' than as a way out - a way of dying. In that way this myth is the worst as it is give totally the opposite meaning. It is true that many self injurers contemplate suicide as an extreme option. Many do suffer with the same kinds of illnesses that those who commit suicide do. However self injury is not done with the intention to kill oneself. "

That silenced Trowa worst fear, the though of Quatre wanting to die was to much for him. The harm Quatre inflicted upon himself was a coping measure.

"Self Injury is NOT pure attention seeking - while it may be right that those who do self injure may *need* attention, self injury must not be interpreted as a means of calling attention to oneself. Those who do self injure often do so in such secretive ways that those very close to them have no idea of their problem. Interpreting self injury as attention seeking can only make things worse for the self injurer."

Trowa nodded and looked over his shoulder again. Quatre laid curled and fast asleep. A pale angel in the rooms soft glow, Trowa was beginning to understand.

"Some Self Injury is minor - this does NOT mean that it is not serious - the severity of the person's feelings and reasons behind SI cannot be determined by the severity of a cut/burn etc..."

As far as Trowa knew Quatre was using razor blades to hurt himself. After he put Quatre down for a nap Trowa had searched out the bathroom for anything Quatre could hurt himself with. He found blades hidden though out the bathroom and made it his task to remove them all. Looking over the site one last time Trowa closed out the window and shut down the computer. 

Checking his watch he found it to be only 11:23 am.

Still have the whole day ahead of us and were already exhausted

Making his way to the bed in ducked under the covers and cuddled witrh Quatre. Trowa had made plans to take his blonde lover to the near by clinic later to get more information and look into therapy options. Knots settled in his stomach as Trowa though about the last bit of information he gathered from the site. Cutting was not only one way for quatre to harm himself, he would know need to make sure quatre didn't resort to other options such as burning, head banging, hitting and pulling hair.  
Trowa sighed and tried to relax, this was going to take time, and Trowa was willing to give his little one as much as he needed.

NOTES:

information came from healing touch


	5. Part 5

Angel

Chapter 5

* * *

Trowa replaced the note card in his pocket and look up at the building in front of him. It was small and had a comfort surrounding it. Grasping Quatres hand the pair walked toward the cream colored building and entered though glass doors.

"May I help you?" a voice beckoned their attention as they entered the large waiting room.   
"Yes" Trowa spoke, letting go of Quatres hand he pointed him in the direction of a bench then went to greet the lady behind the counter. 

Sitting down Quatre observed Trowa talking softly and filling out paperwork. Feeling eyes upon him Trowa turned to look at Quatre. Giving the blonde a small smile, Quatre quickly avoided Trowas watchful eyes and took great interest in the carpet.

Minutes later feeling a soft weight settle in beside him Quatre looked up to see Trowa rummaging though various broaches. 

"Trowa, what is that?" Quatre asked curiously. Trowa simply handed him one and asked him to read it and if he felt like it to fill it out. As Quatre began Trowa slipped his arm around the blonde and supported him though physical contact. 

Trowa began to gently stroke Quatres shoulder with one hand, in the other he looked out one of the other broaches, the lady at the desk said these would help.

The pair began to read, Trowa finding almost the same information as before but also new factors such as self-injury could come from neglect, abuse, death in the family, isolation, and any self-degrading thinking.

Quatres eyes wandered though the packet, lighting on key points on Stopping, First aid and Obsessing. Blue eyes clouded as the situation hit him. 

Trowa knew  
Everyone will know  
Trowa would hate him  
He would have to Stop

Quatre bit his lip, this wasn't what he wanted- he lied when he told trowa he wanted to stop. He didn't want to stop if it meant he would remain in pain. 

How could Trowa do this!

Because he loves you… a small voice from the back of his mind dawned light upon the situation. 

Grinding his teeth Quatre had enough, he wanted to go home. With a rude and hateful tone he spoke:

"I want to go home now!" Trowa didn't even flinch. Instead he simply rose and wheeled Quatre to do the same.

The women warned me it would take time

Quatre sped up and practically fled out the door. Trowa followed behind him.

Returning home the lovers were apart. Quatre played his violin in the next room while Trowa sat on the living room sofa reading. 

He took great care to read the sections pointed out to him, 

Understand your feelings.  
Be honest with yourself about how this self-injury makes you feel. Don't pretend to yourself that it's okay if it's not -- many people find self-injury repulsive, frightening, or provoking. If you need help dealing with the feelings aroused in you by self-injury, find a good therapist. Be careful, though, that you not try to get "surrogate therapy" for your family member/friend -- what goes on in your therapy sessions should remain between you and your therapist. Don't ask your therapist to try to diagnose or treat the person you're concerned about, and if the self-injurer seeks treatment, be sure that s/he is seeing a different therapist than you are. 

I hope it doesn't come to that- I need to be strong for Quatre 

Be supportive without reinforcing the behavior.  
It's important that your friend, lover, child, sibling know that you can separate who they are from what they do, and that you love them independently of whether they self-injure. Be available as much as you can be. Set aside your personal feelings of fear or revulsion about the behavior and focus on what's going on with the person. 

Trowa rubbed his eyes and sighed. 

god, I love kat more than anything, I wish this wasn't happening he doesn't deserve this, flipping though pages Trowa began to get irritated. 

ok I've done my research, but it feels like I'm going in circles

  
Take care of yourself.  
It sounds like hard work, and it is. And if you try to be completely supportive to someone else 24/7, you're going to burn out (and they won't have any incentive to change). You have to find ways to be sure your needs are being met. 

Take a break from it when you need to. When setting limits, remember that as much as you love someone, sometimes you're going to need to get away from them for a while. Tell the person that sometimes you need to recharge and that it doesn't affect your love for him/her. Only break into this personal time in cases of absolute life-or-death crisis. 

The balance here is tricky, because if you make yourself more and more distant, you might get a reaction of increasing levels of crisis from the other person. If you let them know that they don't have to be about to die to get love and attention from you, you can take breaks without freaking the person out. The key is developing trust, a process that will take some time. Once you prove that you are someone who isn't going to go away at the first sign of trouble, you will be able to go away in non-crisis times without provoking a crisis response. 

Trowa signed this is way to hard to handle alone

Ultimatums do not work. Ever.  
Loving someone who injures him/herself is an exercise in knowing your limitations. No matter how much you care about someone, you cannot force them to behave as you'd prefer them to.   
Confiscating tools used for SIV is worse than useless -- it just encourages the person to be creative in finding implements. 

Trowa groaned great I screwed up there   
The soft vibrating music flowed into the other room eased Trowas nerves. 

A small smile crepe across his face as the song took a turn and Mozart began. Swaying his fingers trowa stood and found the beat. It was the Adagio movement of Mozart's Violin Concerto No.3. Recognizing the piece, Trowa found a way to amend the current situation. Throwing the reading material in the sofa he then headed to the music room. Taking his flute from his case removed the plugs and placed the segmented instrument together. 

Quietly entering the room, Trowa found that Quatre had his back to him. Bringing the silver woodwind up to his mouth he joined in just like before, not so very long ago. A slight pause came from the violin, then it adjusted easily and continued to play along side with the flute. 

The intertwining instruments finished out the song and slowly Quatre spoke, 

"I need to talk to you Trowa" turning around blue eyes wet with tears locked with bright green ones. Moving closer Quatre replaced his violin within it case not even bothering to clean excess Rosen from the strings. 

"You can tell me anything little one" Trowas tone was gentle and smooth.

Nodding Quatre urged him to follow and led them to the bedroom. Trowa set his flute upon the oak desk and turned to face Quatre who was currently curled on the bed. Patting the mattress with a pale hand the blonde swayed the tall boy to join him. 

"I wanted to tell you I don't think I can stop" Quatre bit his lip afraid of what trowa would think. He was unprepared for how the brunette would respond.

"Baby, I care for you and your welfare. If you don't want to stop now that's your choice", Trowa pause and took a calming breath. I'll be damn if I screw this up He ran his hand though find gold hair.

" This is up to you Quatre, I'll support you any way I can"

Quatre smiled and scooted closer to Trowa, who wrapped his arms around his petite lover. "I wouldn't bring this up again, If you want to talk I'll be here, and I'll listen."

Trowa patted the tuff of hair that grazed his shirt. "I love you mon cher, nothing can change that"

Quatre began to cry, gently and with slow movements. Trowa continue to pat his loves back and sooth him as best he could.

They were going to get though this, not now, not in a couple of weeks but when Quatre was ready. Trowa smiled, that was enough for him. 


End file.
